The art of checking in

Approaching a friend, family member, colleague or employee you’re concerned about is important at any time of year. Noticing changes in someone’s behaviour or mood and asking, “Are you OK?” can make a significant difference to the life of someone who is having a tough time with their mental health, or personal, financial or relationship issues.

Although most people will agree that asking, “How are you?” has the power to start meaningful conversations, it can still be daunting to take that first step when we notice that something is amiss. A few tips and strategies can help you prepare for these conversations.

Choose the right time and place

Choosing a comfortable location that creates a feeling of emotional safety is much more likely to generate open, trusting conversations. Waiting for a time where you are out of earshot of others or stepping out of your workplace for a hot drink can spell the difference between whether someone is willing to open up or not. It is worth considering where you think they will be most comfortable before approaching them.

Gather your thoughts

What you say is as important as when you say it. Take a few moments to consider what it is that is concerning you and make note of a few examples of behaviours or changes you’ve noticed. Try to focus on what you have observed rather than what you think they are feeling. “I noticed that you snapped at Susie in the team huddle the other morning and I thought, that’s not like Pete. Is everything OK?” is likely to be better received than “You’re really short-tempered at the moment. How are you?”

You don’t need to be an expert

Sometimes we can put off having a conversation with someone we are concerned about because we don’t feel like we’re equipped with everything we need to help. It’s important to recognise that you don’t need to be a counsellor or therapist, and you don’t need to know all the answers.

It’s impossible to know exactly what is happening for the person which makes planning difficult. Come prepared to listen and be aware of the different sources of information and support available should the person need it. This might be organisational resources, like the HR contact and Employee Assistance Program (EAP) details, or external support, such as those listed here.

Know that it’s OK if they don’t want to talk

Despite you raising your concerns, sometimes the conversation doesn’t go anywhere. But if it’s done authentically, taking the time to check in lets the other person know you care and can help to strengthen your relationship. You’re also letting them know that it’s OK to talk to you if or when they do need help. 

SuperFriend workshop facilitator Carly Webster, says, “You might also leave them reflecting on their own situation. A friend once expressed his concerns to me and asked how I was going. I didn’t give it a second thought at the time, but afterwards it made me pause to consider why he would have asked that question. It made me think, ‘Am I really doing OK?’ It was a great reality check that helped me prioritise my own self-care.” 

Look after yourself 

While it’s someone else that you want to care for and support, it is important to also prioritise your own wellbeing. Remember, it is not your responsibility to have all the answers, or to solve all the person’s problems. It’s important to reflect on the effects that supporting someone else might be having on you. Be kind to yourself and prioritise your own wellbeing. Carly says, “consider whether you’re taking your worries about this person home with you. If you are, chances are that you’re trying to do too much.” 

Following up after a check-in conversation is just as important. If someone you’re worried about isn’t willing to chat, or if you are concerned about their wellbeing following a conversation, make sure you continue to touch base with them. Knowing that you are there if they need and that you genuinely care can have a profound impact on their future wellbeing.

These tips and strategies can help you feel more confident in taking action. This is the basis for many of SuperFriend’s workplace training. As Carly says, “We’re not training people to be psychologists, but rather we equip them with the knowledge and skills to notice when things aren’t quite right, to confidently approach the person to ask, ‘How are you?’ and to feel comfortable that they can manage the response, whatever it may be.”